Remembering

Memorial Day is one of those days that you have to have some maturity to appreciate. You have to have a deep feeling for life and how precious it is before you can appreciate the profound absence that comes with a death. Many young warriors seem to believe that death in combat is a glorious affair, a kind of celebration that bathes them in an aura of rock-star fame. They've seen all the movies. They pursue a reward that will not belong to them. They give up their lives to abstractions of Democracy, Duty, Righteousness, and Retribution. Do they believe that a moment after their passing, they get to jump up and partake in the eulogizing, to tell their story? Sometimes it does seem that way. But the reality is that they are silenced forever, quickly bundled up and put out of sight. We are left to remember them, mourn them, and miss them in all their particularity. Today my thoughts are with every mother and father still living who has lost someone to war. They are the ones whose spirits are weighted down with the cost of our illusions.

I wish the dead could speak to us. I would like to hear what they think of war and their deaths now, from the other side. I would like to know if the loss of their lives bought them what they hoped. I wonder what they would do differently, knowing what they know now. I suspect that many want nothing more than to be with us, back in the land of the living. Glory is something for the ego, not the soul. When the body is gone, only the soul remains. The soul craves life and love. It's what brought us to earth in the first place. As our warriors meet in the afterlife those they have killed on earth, or as they wait for the crossing of the ones who killed them, I hope the forgiveness given and the wisdom gained rain down on all of us and wash us clean.

We Are Everywhere

I have heard from outraged mothers of soldiers in Michigan, Pennsylvania, Missouri, California, Colorado, Georgia, Utah, Oregon, Indiana, North and South Carolina, Ohio, New Hampshire, Iowa, and Texas. Two have lost their sons. Two sons, both career military men, declined to re-enlist after the invasion of Iraq. One son and one daughter were forced into combat with debilitating wounds that would have made running away impossible, had they needed to do so. Several went to Iraq hard on the heels of deployment in Afghanistan. Some have gone to Iraq for a second tour of duty. Many say their views on the war have changed over time, as have the views of their sons and daughters, from positive to negative: no one who was initially against the invasion is saying now they believe it was justified, after all. Depression and drug use are problems in the ranks, but we hear even less about them in the news than we hear about the soldiers coming home in flag-draped "transfer tubes." In fact, Ted Koppel was accused of being a traitor for listing their names and showing their pictures on Nightline.

We've all written letters and made calls to newspapers, TV stations, radio programs, and so forth. Only rarely does one of the letters get printed, one of the phone calls elicit a response. Inevitably, when we are heard, another two or three moms get in touch, saying, "I thought I was the only one who felt this way!" We assure them they are not. In addition to our little network, there are several books being written on the particular difficulties of loving a soldier but not the mission; a documentary called "Band of Mothers" is in the works; and there are many groups founded by women who want less spilling of blood and more common sense applied to the obstacles to world peace and order. Just click on one and see what they're up to: Military Families Speak Out, Mothers Acting Up, Mothers Against War, Mothers for Peace, Code Pink, Women Waging Peace, and the Women's International League for Peace and Freedom. Imagine how much time and money it must take to convince us that we are insignificant.

The Fear Factor

Our little band of subversives is growing. As we mothers of soldiers talk among ourselves, our omnipresent fear is that our children will suffer repercussions for our speaking out against the Bush Blunder. We hear that our kids' access to email and the internet is cut frequently, photo-phones are confiscated, and regular phone lines are monitored. If Iraq is such a success story, why can't the soldiers speak freely? "Major combat operations" were over more than a year ago, according to Mr. Bush. We are no longer at war. It's telling that the occupying forces are prohibited from talking about their occupation. We moms acknowledge only half-jokingly that sharing our stories and concerns has surely put us on the PATRIOT Act hit list. Out of fear for their safety in the ranks, we talk about our kids using pseudonyms. We whisper their locations (when we know them) like a prayer.

As Bush's poll numbers sag, a new threat emerges: Danger! Terrorists are here! They mean to do YOU harm! Beware large gatherings! The alarms sound along with the encouragement to "Go about your business." Remember when we were urged to go shopping to relieve the shock of September 11? I am reminded of the policeman at the perimeter of a gory accident: "Move along, folks, nothing to see here. Just move along." Yes, there is something to see here. It's the politics of fear and distraction. It's the increasing presence of a nebulous anxiety meant to keep us too intimidated to question authority. It's the gory accident of idealogues drunk with power at the wheel of the most powerful military in the world. It's what happens when you don't listen to the generals and intelligence agencies who know war, the enemy, and the way the wind blows. We are told that 9/11 changed everything while we are asked to behave as if it did not.

Moms who speak out against the war, or whatever it is, are not speaking out against the military. Most of us signed papers allowing our young people to join because of our deep regard for America's mostly honorable military history. My own family has served in every war but the Korean War, all the way back to the Revolution. We are speaking out against the blatant disregard for everything America traditionally stands for, plurality, decency, and restraint among them. It is instinct to protect our children. The craven flag-wavers who want to silence us know that and use it against us. Looking at today's news, the fact that military generals with long, distinguished service records are now denouncing the Chalabi chapter of the executive branch should give us courage. This is still the "land of the free, and the home of the brave." If we don't speak out when we see our children endangered, when will we?

Kerry/Gore in '04?!

If you haven't read the speech Al Gore gave yesterday, do it now. Looks like Al's got his groove back. John Kerry, are you listening?

Talking Points

This morning I had a nanosecond of my allotment of fifteen minutes of fame. I was supposed be the "No" voice in a discussion on MSNBC of whether or not we are on the right track in Iraq. The "Yes" voice did not get to her studio in time to do the full segment, but she came fully prepared with a statement: "we are fighting for democracy. . .I trust the president completely. . .the military is full of 'checks and balances' to make sure things are done right." I didn't see the segment, but I hope the camera caught my eyebrow going up to high arch. The Yes voice, whose name I don't recall, was proud of her brother who just returned from Iraq. She supports our troops 100% because they "know more than we do and we should just leave them alone to do their job," by golly. She pointed out that "these people want to kill us" but thanks to President Bush, we were killing them "over there instead of here." If you read the right-wing press (and you do have to have a strong stomach to do so), you will recognize The Message and its racist and xenophobic subtext. I think The Message is photocopied weekly and handed out at churches and yacht and gun clubs all over the nation.

I was asked to respond to a poll that revealed that 50% of Americans believe that Iraq will be under a dictatorship within the next decade or so. Why all the pessimism, the anchor asked? I wanted to point out how many Americans think America will soon be a dictatorship, but I didn't want to be accused of being "negative." I wanted to talk about our soldiers and what they are experiencing and why I am against the ongoing occupation of Iraq. I wanted to point out that the war itself was based on lies and bad intelligence, hubris, and a complete disregard for international or domestic opinion. I wanted to explain how dangerous it is for us to have a president who refuses to reflect, face facts, reassess, admit mistakes, or change course. I wanted to plead for an end to the occupation, to call in an international relations repairman, and to form a more intelligent response to terrorism than a bombing lottery in the Middle East. Maybe TV just isn't the medium for my message.

I think we should have our own Message, and here are my suggestions: (1) The war is unjust and has already cost too much in blood and treasure. Ask the moms of soldiers who have died or listen to the anguish of an Iraqi whose family member was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. (2) Our 138,000 kids are facing extreme heat, exposure to depleted uranium, substandard medical care, censorship and intimidation in the ranks, and 20 million people who desperately want them to leave. (3) There is no clear end to our mission in Iraq and no useful measure of its success. (4) Our soldiers face multiple indefinite deployments, extensions, and stop-loss measures, the uncertainly of which heighten the already stressful circumstances of war and occupation. (5) If the news from Iraq was all good, our kids would be able to speak freely about what they are doing and would not be expressing confusion or dismay about their role in Iraq. Top generals are beginning to speak out about how badly Bush has managed his neocan fantasy.

The argument that "casualties are the cost of war" is invalid. This war was unprovoked, illegal, and immoral. If the Bush family wants to walk its talk, they can send the twins, Barbara and Jenna, to Iraq to risk their lives. (Only one member of Congress has a child on active duty in the military.) The argument of "but look what they did to us on 9/11" is uninformed. Almost all of the 9/11 hijackers were Saudis and even Bush has admitted that no evidence has been found of a connection between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda. When we are being mau-maued to "support the troops," we need to point out that no one supports the troops more than those who speak out for their proper use, fair treatment, and safe return. No one supports the troops more than those who fight for the medical care and counseling they will need as they return to civilian life. The people who are making the decisions that affect our soldiers' lives and ours have no love for them or us. And we need to look for opportunities to say so.

If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother

Barbara Bush said she did not want to waste her "beautiful mind" thinking about our children coming home from her son's war wounded or lifeless. I will tell you right up front that I am no fan of Barbara: for many years, I have thought of her as a mean-spirited, arrogant prima donna who married well, and so far, nothing I have heard or read about her has altered my opinion. (It's a bit unusual for my mind not to change about people over time. I tend to give lots of benefit when there's a doubt.) I only wish Barbara's delicate sensibilities were passed on to her son.

I am just finishing up Arianna Huffington's book Fanatics and Fools: The Game Plan for Winning Back America. In her book, the divine Ms. Huffington shares some astute observations about how the model of "the strict father" animates our government, drowning out the voice of "the nurturing parent." The strict father views the world as hostile. He believes his kids (the citizens) should be competitive, disciplined, and self-reliant. Anything that curbs the competition or limits use of resources (such as oil or power) is evil because it thwarts his self-fulfilment. Strict Daddy's wealth is proof of his good character. The nurturing parent, on the other hand, has a more charitable view of the world: he agrees that it can be a difficult place, but challenges are met with cooperation and moral vision. The nurturing parent's children are expected to be empathetic, responsible, and protective of the least among us. His wealth is a resource, not a reward.

As a leader, the strict father doesn't want to hear any more whining in the back seat. We are to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and work for our own place at the wheel, just like he did(n't). Since God obviously likes him best, we better stay out of the way while he and his friends make their sacred profit. We better quit boo-hooing about our sons and daughters, our poison air, water, and food, and that silly idea about global warming––the world is his oyster, not ours. Greed is good! Compassion is for sissies! There is no place in his world for grief, remorse, or reflection. Those are pastimes of lesser beings. I'm guessing that Barbara of the Beautiful Mind and George the Elder took their parenting cues from the more Darwinian school of the strict father, aren't you?

If imagining what it would be like to have Barbara "Rhymes with Rich" Bush as your mom keeps you up at night, read this book.

Going to the Mall

There are rumblings about a march on Washington in October, a Million Moms. Should scare the hell out of everyone, really. I think of the towering, omniscient Jewish mother casting shadows on New York in some Woody Allen movie I saw years ago. She was huge, and she was his conscience, just as we who gave birth to these soldiers are the conscience of the nation that is asking for their lives and spirits. Start talking to all the women you know about this and post comments, ideas, wisdom gained about political action, arguments, and musings below where it says "Comment." I'll be in touch. Code Pink, MoveOn, HipMamas–you in?

My beautiful girl writes sporadic, sad emails from Iraq, choking on things she cannot say or does not know how to put into words. She has become part of something that 18 years of life could not prepare her for, something that the rest of her life may not undo. I will be marching for her and for all the sons and daughters whose stories will never be heard.

What the Bush administration is selling, I, for one, am not buying.

The Gray Area

The stories I'm hearing from other mothers and wives of soldiers are heartbreaking. Kids are being sent into battle with broken bones. There is little, if any, medical treatment being given to troops. People who have served two rotations in Iraq are being told to expect to serve a third. Some units are using winter uniforms in 130-degree heat. Power outages limit email contact with home. Many soldiers are experiencing depression; most seem confused about the mission. Some of the ones who have come home have no access to counseling and must languish on waiting lists for months before their damage–physical or mental–is even assessed. Three generals who directed Central Command have denounced the mission in Iraq and its neocon architects as complete failures. Meanwhile, Brother Bush and the Right Wing Chorus say it's all going according to plan.

If the plan was to amplify fear, derail democracy, damage the physical and mental health of thousands of people all over the world, leave our cities and ports unprotected, bankrupt the economy, widen the gap between the very rich and the very poor, and smash America's moral compass, then I guess this administration has been an astounding success. A second Bush term will mean amending the Constitution to make gay and lesbian people second-class citizens, giving the state control over women's reproductive choices, destroying public schools without providing an alternative, search and seizure of anyone–any time–for any reason, and the stifling of all dissent. We will become a "Christian" nation that makes a fetish of the Ten Commandments, despises the poor for lacking the "character" to become wealthy, and operates under the principle of might makes right. And that is just the plan as it has been revealed so far in campaign speeches and the poodle press.

Some mothers and wives of military personnel have apparently been told to shut up by groups of armchair warriors who thrill to the sight of bombs bursting in air. They don't want to hear all the "negative" talk! How any mother or spouse out there can tolerate the possibility of a loved one's death for Bush's vision of America is beyond me, but if they feel so strongly pro-war, I say give them group rates to Baghdad. Let them see for themselves what righteousness has wrought. But don't count on them to leave their cocoons. They are intolerant of people whose point of view is different from theirs and so sure of their superiority to all others in religious faith, race, and culture that they are reduced to the simplest intellectual paradigm: good versus evil. Why have doubts? The facts do not matter. The people who lust for war have entered a zone of moral relativity, where the new rallying cry is "At least we don't cut people's heads off." Thinking is for sissies! For all their Bible thumping, these folks forget that the devil tempts us to act from our basest fears and that the messages of angels are often the most unsettling of all.

Band of Mothers

What if, before American troops crossed the Iraqi border, hundreds or thousands of soldiers' mothers received a postcard that said "Your son/daughter will die in this endeavor?" What if thousands of mothers in Iraq received the same postcard? Would we have done more to stop the invasion? Would we have done less? If we knew ahead of time the cost of this ill-advised and reckless incursion in blood, honor, or money, would we be able to say it was worth it?

Traumatized by the attacks of September 11, we Americans let ourselves be led into blind retribution against a country that was no threat to us and had no part in the atrocities in New York, Washington, or Pennsylvania. Real retaliation would have involved an attack on Saudi Arabia, home of many friends and business associates of the Bush family. Millions of people all over the world protested the attack on Iraq and were dismissed by Bush and his cabal as a "focus group" whose concerns for the future of international relations were "irrelevant." In Bush's fundamentalist mind, these are the End Times–there is no future. Bush believes he was appointed by God: he is not accountable to the people of the United States, so there is no risk for him in carrying out God's plan. But the truth is that this upsetting of the Middle East is Bush's long-planned crusade, our kids are his toy soldiers, and the world is his game board. Those of us who do not contribute to Bush's campaign for reappointment are not his concern.

Every day I think of my daughter in exile in the desert, surrounded by millions of people whose distaste for all things American has been whipped into hatred by the arrogance of our vainglorious president and his willing servants in the Pentagon and State Departments. This is not what I envisioned for her that beautiful Monday morning in July when I first held her in my arms. I think of the mothers whose sons and daughters who have come home with life-altering injuries, and the ones whose sons or daughters have come home wrapped in the flag under cover of darkness, laid to rest out of view of the nation in whose name they were sacrificed. I watch the neighborhood kids, busy today with band concerts and soccer games, unaware that plans are being made for their conscription. I think of the thousands of mothers in Iraq whose children are maimed or dead. I do not think this is the future they wanted for their children, either. We invest so much in our sons and daughters, only to see it taken away by an unreflective, nearly illiterate man who knows nothing about the past and cares little about the future. Some days it does indeed feel like the end of the world.

It is time for us, the mothers of soldiers, to shake off the muzzle of fear. Our kids are the ones who are caught in the trap of pre-emptive strikes and illegal occupation. We have to find a vehicle for our voices and refuse to be silenced by the self-proclaimed patriots who see war as a game that they will win at all costs–as long as we and our children are the ones paying those ever-escalating costs. We need to tell the stories we are hearing about crushed morale, inadequate medical care, the total disregard for the humanity of our soldiers and those they were sent to "liberate." We need to stay awake and aware of what our secretive White House is doing. We need to help our kids understand who the enemy is and who it is not. And we need to make sure that their votes and ours are counted in November. The cost of doing anything less will be unbearable.

What Would Mom Do?

There was a scene in the movie Rat Race that my daughter and I just never got over: the one where Seth Green's brother, with his speech impaired by a newly pierced tongue, implores Seth to give up his hard-won Big Money to feed starving children. "Wot woo Mahm noo?" says the brother, looking wide-eyed toward heaven. It became a household joke, a bit of a riff on the "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelets that were everywhere, and then nowhere at all by the time we went to war.

There is no quicker way to destroy humor than to analyze it, but as I look back on it, there was in our shared hilarity a recognition that moms are the moral force in our lives. For better or worse, we learn from our mothers what it means to be in a family, and we carry that lesson into our interaction with the world at large. Even if we never think of the rest of the world as our extended family, our actions and inactions reveal what we learned at home about our relationship to other living things.

Now my daughter is a soldier in Iraq. That's a story for another day. I've had a long argument with myself about how much to say about her particular situation, but I can no longer say nothing about what's going on these days. I've heard all the tripe about how we're not "supporting our troops" if we speak out against the occupation of Iraq. I disagree. We are not supporting our troops when we put them in a foreign country on false pretenses, withhold the equipment and manpower it takes to do their job safely and effectively, and confuse the task of liberation with criminal interrogation. We do not support our troops when we direct them to violate international law and then scapegoat the expendable ones when they get caught. We do not support our troops when we swagger and bait the people who resist our occupation of their country to "Bring it on."

What I want most in the world is the continued life and health of every man, woman, and child, regardless of their geographical fortune or misfortune. As I have always said to my girl, "It's a mom thing." I do not see us buying anyone's freedom with the blood that is being spilled in Iraq. In fact, the loss of freedom here at home seems to be directly related to how much "freedom" is "exported" to the Middle East. If, as the evidence suggests, we are becoming a fascist nation, I plan to be hauled away screaming for what I feel is right: peace, cooperation, humility, creative solutions to the dire problems that we all face now. I don't care how uncool it is.

So I am staking out this little corner of Blogistan for the moms, because I think we have a more complex relationship to wars and the people who fight them than those who blindly lead the charge. These soldiers were our babies once. Time will tell what they learned from us, and the future will speak to how well they were able to hold onto sanity in an insane situation. I can't and won't pretend to speak for all moms. This is my blog, my evolution in progress, my voice. But if you're the mother of a soldier, I'd like to hear from you. Maybe if we speak out for our kids' lives now, we can be spared the heartache of having to speak about them as "fallen heroes."